Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
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Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.