My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
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3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok