In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
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*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids