Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
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Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident