Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
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Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands