The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
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Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.