My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
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Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Lmao 🤣
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.