Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
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Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
dictator is short for richard potato
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels