It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
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u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
reminder
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism