Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
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First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.