My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
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The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k