Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture