I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
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The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I feel it
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
me before I type out affect or effect
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.