Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
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Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
selfie game
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
*mops up wine with cat*
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car