My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
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me and the Superbowl rn
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Need WebMD
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]