COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
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CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Something Saturday.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
You’ll be OK
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time