A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
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One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!