I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
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Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.