I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
You Might Also Like
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?