The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
You Might Also Like
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Love is always patient and kind.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
God has left this place
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.