[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
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I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.