It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
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Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
*praying for world peace*
God:
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now