BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
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My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues