Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
You Might Also Like
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.