My favorite farside!!
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Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
My sex drive has a dui
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
The only way I鈥檇 be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn鈥檛 paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I hate when I鈥檓 hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.