Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
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I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
This kid is a star!
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out