*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
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Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
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15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
My Sentiments Exactly
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music