You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
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This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.