did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
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Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Fiction has to make sense.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.