If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
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Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad