Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
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Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots