[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
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American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*