Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
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ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
#dnd #ttrpg
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
#damn
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*