The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile