Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
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Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Happy Friday
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working