HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
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ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Support your local cemetery
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog