tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
You Might Also Like
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.