9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
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Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.