School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
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Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)