“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
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I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.