shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
You Might Also Like
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here