Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
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Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
somewhere, in an alternate universe
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*