Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
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[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
They got Raph!
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
j o i m p
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.