How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
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Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose