My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
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who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.