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Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away