ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
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My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.