You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
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Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
my proudest tweet
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation