There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
You Might Also Like
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.