My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
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Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.